I am at a crossroads. When we are at crossroads, we often feel dread and paralysis. The current life is quite less-intense as how it used to be due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Most people are willing to take this #stayathome action labeled “rebahan” as a big chance to live their happy slow life. Well, me too. But, adjusting from the past life, abundant and terrific life as a medical student is a bit challenging.
It’s been a long time since the last time I posted on this page. Well, I have much to write in my drafts though, but several things were revealed to fix from the day one of this year so I barely couldn’t manage to share feelings and thoughts (I don’t care if some people come for a regular check).
We’re getting into the middle of twenty-twenty. I began the year with a hattrick exams, followed by some stressful episode and ‘I could have done better‘ guilty feelings. Medicine is too wide to be true, too much to learn, and too little time. It was a daunting exams. It’s time for a little dose of reality. I didn’t make it to be a valedictorian this time, but graduated as cumlaude (GPA 3.95) is enough to start the next journey as lifelong learner.
An entirely different life as I sketched at the end of 2019 was happening. I met my man and we decided to settle down this year. Despite of a super plan I made, the X factor involvement was undeniable. Let’s be honest. It was the greatest broke I have to endure in my whole life. The piercing cry I have never expected, as I was born to be an alpha with multiple stories and mitigations I could manage. I constantly told myself that things aren’t going to end badly. A bit less dramatic obsession to start a new life with this one. I should map out everything from the start, adjusting expectations as I always do when things didn’t work out as how it should be. I believe in His plan is the greatest plan after all.
I wouldn’t consider myself as a pathetic. I somehow motivated day by day to start a new life and making more and more possible decisions as I have this extra two months free before the internship started in August. Here’s what it’s going to take to get real. That’s not easy as it sounds. Life may never be as mind-expanding as we desire to have. I have accomplished a lot in my undergraduate life, I shouldn’t lose any hope in this adult land. Those years come with hefty price tag, unrewind moments, and so on.
So the questions will be: Master degree or working in government owned hospital? emergency room or a stunning practice room in aesthetic clinic? taking hospital management courses or biomedical researcher-as I always dream of. PhD candidate with a thick jacket everyday or a tough-life as physician attendant in hospital? starting a business or starting a family first?- they all are squirrling inside my mind, within familiar framework. I have a once in a lifetime chance to try on this wide spectrums of future possibilties.
Bismillah, Insha Allah.