Adakah langkah jejak itu
Terkulai meninggalkan jejas pilu
Yang kau berikan dengan tatap sembilu
Adalah caramu memujaku yang menunggu?

Kutahu ragamu tidak tercipta oleh baja
Ataupun dalam darahmu bukanlah titisan raja
Tapi apa daya
Perempuan ini hanya ingin merekah senja
Tak lain denganmu saja

Kemana rindu sejatinya harus kau letakkan
Mungkin di tangan Tuhan
Agar kita tidak kepayahan

Dalam merapal rindu yang tidak berkesudahan

Makassar, 28 November 2018


We all might have some moments of resilience. I would mention it as a ‘pause’ in German terms. Looking back on how far I have gone. The current issue that keep echoing in my head remind the same. About which one is actually my fundamental purpose. Happiness or usefulness. What do you think? and how to stop your own mind producing any ideas on both issue?

Over and over, I chose to be neutral. It ain’t wrong to say that both of them are true. And there will always ways to attain them perhaps. Adjusting my life wouldn’t be such hard If I didn’t be too quirky about how life should be planned and how to keep them purposeful yet enjoyable. I have choosen medicine as my way of life. I wish could keep them into right purpose instead of thinking when will the retirement days come or ways to end this stressful life.

I have loved medicine since the day one

Even if I’d proudly say that I am currently living my dream (since I have worked so hard in the past schooldays to fulfill the GPA required). I am a bit reluctant in empowering myself not to make any mistake.

Yesterday, I had patient BP 80 per palpation. I was a bit shock that his body’s edema getting worse. The norephinephrin and dobutamin has done their best, and the team kept on finding the way for patient’s best. I was a bit panic by making sure the dosage infused throught syringe pump was right. Then after some moments, 15 minutes later, the team found the mistake was in the plug, the plug was in the wrong position.

I could feel that eureka moment, on how simple thing could give a real impact. A simple plug missposition would suddenly lowering blood pressure, one of a very important vital sign. Well, the patient’s condition was normal because in a brief time the BP rose to the target range. It was such relieve!

By the end, I realized that usefulness will be followed by happiness. Usefulness of giving your best in taking care of a soul is followed by a true happiness coming from elsewhere. It was a magnificent feeling yet addictive!

I can’t wait to go to another night shifts. More new cases to learn yet more happiness coming by. Despite of how exhausted the post night shift would be. At least, I could prove a simple usefulness-happiness way of living as a lifelong learner.

Your junior doctor in training,

Iin Fadhilah